Xx and xxx (girl friend parents)

Not sure where you guys are on the pre-marital sex topic. Guided by xx we champion abstinence until engaged – but when we pull our heads outta the sand we champion safe sex within the context of a long-term committed relationship. xx and xx followed this path in HS and with a slight deviation or two at xx, (he gets quizzed often by xx) xx has pretty much stayed the course.

Helicopter parent sidebar – xx and I were at a graduation party Saturday night (damn, she cleans up so well – whoosh still takes my breath away). Anyways, we were chatting up two moms whose sons have headed off to college already (football players). As part of packing for their sons (WTF?), they bought and stuffed into their bags….condoms. As xx said years ago – “if you are too embarrassed to buy your own condoms, you are too young to be having sex!”. Sheesh

Back to Michael and xx and never say never. These two were utterly heartbroken to be saying goodbye. xx is really good friends with her mom and dad, so after dinner together they hung at her house. Then they came to our house and stayed up late, then later and then xx gets a text from xx – “Can xx sleep over?”…..hmmmm….

Next morning when we went in to wake them up so we could get xx to the bus station we found them in his bed, sound asleep, in eachothers arms. They looked so teeny-tiny small and fragile and just the most beautifully innocent two people on the face of the earth. A stolen moment looking upon our son holding on so tightly to something/someone he loves so dearly, oh so slowly slipping away, like an archipelago. For some reason, gazing upon them, it just brought immense comfort to xx and me as we navigate our own swirl of emotions with his departure out into the world. (BTW, I’d like to add, they had all their clothes on; I think they cried themselves to sleep)

As we drove home from the graduation party, we talked about how we never could have imagined any scenario where would would ever in a million years green-light a sleepover for a girlfriend.

xx and I too have championed no sex first, then safe sex within the context of a long-term relationship…However, I was also that mom that packed a box of condoms in xx’s “first aid” box…YIKES, as Julia would have said!!! I will not be doing the same for xx. I guess I just wanted to make sure he got the message which is silly. He is capable of buying his own (and has) – so the message was received. I also don’t think he’s a ‘ho neither.

 

Last summer xx & xx had their girlfriends come up to Michigan and stay at our cottage for a few nights. I made sure everyone had their own bed! However, it got a little dicey and crowded and xx (I think innocently) wanted to stay in his girlfriend’s room – on the couch in the attached little den. Well that caused a kerfuffle and xx didn’t think xx’s girlfriend’s parents would appreciate that scene. Much to xx’s dismay he slept on the floor in our room… (Back track to last fall and xx snuck a sleep over at his girlfriend’s house. Not cool. And they got busted and in trouble. xx came to tell me about it and then met with both of her parents to apologize. I think he handled it really well. And I believe it was innocent. xx asked him, and xx said they had decided they were not going “there”…)

It’s a big old goofy world, my friends. xoxoxo

 

We’ve taken the “safe sex within the context of a long-term relationship position” as well (in addition to ‘long-term’, I usually throw in ‘committed’ and ‘monogamous’ to the adjectives modifying ‘relationship’ — just for good measure … : )

I don’t think he really had a chance to see his shadow in our session together. I sense rather than seeing it as an “explanation” and taking responsibility, he blames solely the alcohol as the excuse for the incident. His defensive walls we now realize went up when I shared the description of his behavior from others…at that point kind of shutdown. The no going over to his girlfriends house was a clunker – later, we deemed it the right place for him to go so he could apologize and close the loop with her parents.

We kept him home Thursday (which was a roller coaster of emotions. He was still discovering that what he did was violence against someone (for some reason he defined violence as throwing a punch). As the afternoon worn on, with several neutral corner moments, he invited us out to dinner. It was reflective, poignant and just what the doctor ordered; however, the overriding emotion was he was going to miss his girlfriend – I sense this is getting in the way of the deeper insights required. Recognizing GF and their relationship was really his only tangible thing he could “hold on to” (and “control”), it became resoundingly clear again to me and Susan this is an incredibly young 18 yr old and in a very fragile state of mind.

He got a goods sleep that night (for once) and next afternoon/evening saw his girlfriend and her parents. He definitely did see his shadow that night. Her parents, we all talked prior to him seeing them. Incredibly cool and understanding. We were all on the same page with everything, with a laser focus on the drinking and physical abuse. Unfortunately, the next time we had him alone was the few minutes before we put him on the bus. Looking back this is turning into a long email so I will tighten it up from here.

The bus had a breakdown somewhere in middle of Pa. He became unhinged. He eventually got himself on another bus and had a good time with a family friend in the city. Next day at a birthday party, he became agitated again. First time anywhere solo, with no friends, no family (another first experience). Then he got to his room where the summer help sleeps and he went off the rails again. “Of all people, Dad, I thought you would put in a position for success. This is not what I need.” To keep from escalating the situation his mom spent the next 2-3 hours trying to settle him down (ditto older brother). I was losing patience and was coming close to pursuing a traditional Dad-track to “nut up, take responsibility and quit acting like a spoiled kid.”

Hopefully a little sun, a bunch of physical labor, no cell phone until he gets home from work and a little time will center him. The labor is hard and he his body will be sore for next 3-4 days. Easy sailing is a ways away!