This is a MUCH better college essay topic — way more personal, appealing, vivid … I really liked it! He’s got some lovely images — i.e. “1 room, 3 beds, 3 brothers, 14 years” — great stuff!
This essay fits well with the prompt which goes something like “tell us about a place where you feel totally content” … so I think he’s all set there …
And as far as a cohesive “story” goes … a story is not really necessary — it’s fine to just provide a glimpse or slice of the kid’s life … which this essay does successfully.
What this essay does need is some careful proofreading — he’s got a few hilarious typos — i.e. “the closet members of my family” … and probably would benefit from a little tightening as well, but all the material is right there on the page — great job, Michael!!
Is he applying to a school with a Nov 1 deadline — i.e. tomorrow??